I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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