the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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