I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
