I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Randomize
