3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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