here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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