$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
