Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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