I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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