OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize