Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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