and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
