this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
