He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
