Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
