Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
