Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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