Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
