I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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