Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
