is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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