Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
