Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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