community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
