My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
