I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
