just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
