I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
