I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
