The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
