you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
