he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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