Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
