i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
