Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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