your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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