Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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