Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
