my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
