Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize