i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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