Whod you bang
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
