Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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