hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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