how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My vagina is officially offended.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
