Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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