Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
