I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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