I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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