They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
