Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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