I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
