i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
