She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
