if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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