just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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