I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
